You think you’ve understood the other person; but later, that turns out not to be the case.
You’re certain the team is against you; but later, the signals were about something entirely different.
You felt very insecure because your colleague ignored you; but later, it turned out she was just barely managing to keep her head above water due to stress.
And how often do you hear phrases like: “I think he wants me to…” or “I think you mean…” Well, you don’t need to think for me.
Assumptions
You guessed it: we’re talking about assumptions or interpretations—how assumptions can “run away with your emotions” or drive you to incorrect conclusions or decisions.
Some Examples from My Practice:
Director: “I explained it, so he is going to make it happen.”
No, correction, you assume it will be done. You would do it if someone explained it to you. But…not everyone is like you, thinks like you, or acts like you. So the CFO didn’t do it, for whatever reason. This is the perfect moment to engage in a conversation to understand each other better.
Plant Manager: “I need your help. Can you make room in the production hall for the new machine?”
Employee: “How big is it?”
Plant Manager: “I don’t know, about 8 meters or so.”
The employee thinks, “He’s not taking me seriously!”
No, that’s your assumption. That’s what you think, and that thought, like many others, fuels your growing demotivation.
Director: “He submitted the assignment late again. I’m done with it. I’ll send him to a time management course.”
I asked, “How do you know it’s due to time management?”
My client replied, “Isn’t it obvious? He submits the assignment late every month. I usually end up doing it myself, so our customers don’t get upset.”
I pressed, “Why not ask him, ‘What’s causing the delay? Is something going on?’ (In other words, why not check your assumption?)”
In our next session, my client shared: “It had nothing to do with time management. He kept delaying because he didn’t fully understand the task and was afraid of looking foolish if he asked. (Another assumption!) They had a good conversation, and my client now trusts that the task will be on time in the future.”
How Do These Assumptions Actually Work?
It’s often not the Event that triggers your emotion (anger, impatience, happiness, insecurity, etc.) but your interpretation of that event. The Thought about the event causes a Feeling, which then influences your Behavior. Finally, your behavior leads to a Consequence.
Example:
The plant manager asks for your help (see example above) and admits he doesn’t know the exact dimensions of the machine. You assume he isn’t taking you seriously, which makes you angry and affects your behavior in the conversation. When this happens repeatedly, it impacts your relationship with the plant manager or your own motivation. Suppose you say, “I’d like to help, but I need the exact measurements.” He might then respond with, “You’re right. I’ll look it up and get back to you.” Your anger turns out to be unnecessary. A good conversation avoids a lot of unnecessary hassle. Or suppose you voice what you’re thinking: “When you approach me with such a vague request, I feel like you don’t take me seriously. I find that difficult because I want to help.” Then, the plant manager immediately knows how his communication affects you.
You can also consider: Is What I am Thinking Actually True?
Did the plant manager explicitly say he doesn’t take you seriously? “No!” What did he actually say? “He asked for your help with space for the new machine, and he doesn’t know its size.” Then, based on the facts, you could respond with, “To truly help, I’ll need the exact measurements. Can you email them to me?” (It might be that he genuinely doesn’t know. Then, you could suggest he contacts the supplier or offer to do so for him.)
Your Thoughts and Inner Dialogue
If you feel a negative emotion in a conversation, examine your thoughts. Ask yourself if they are true or reasonable. See if this reduces your negative feelings.
Do you recognize those “conversations with yourself” and the many thoughts that make you feel uncertain, irritated, or angry (or any other negative emotion) and want to work on that? Feel free to reach out. In just a few conversations, we can bring your ineffective thoughts and what’s behind them to the surface. After all, if they stay in your subconscious, they control you. But when you become aware, you can choose different thoughts—ones that may also be true but have no negative impact on your emotions, and therefore, your behavior. How wonderful would that be?